Webinar: “The Wheel of Consent”
Presenter: Dr. Betty Martin
Air Date: April 14, 2021
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In this webinar, the Sex Coach U and World Association of Sex Coaches community was privileged and honored to have Dr. Betty Martin as our presenter. Dr. Betty is the architect of the revolutionary framework of consensual giving and receiving called “The Wheel of Consent.” Her book, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent, is now available for purchase. Dr. Betty came to talk to us about The Wheel of Consent and how we as sex coaches and sex coaches-in-training can use it with our clients and in our own lives.
Dr. Betty Martin is a consent educator, intimacy consultant, and former sex worker. She gives a unique “pleasure-forward” approach to her work coming from 40+ years’ experience as a chiropractor, sexual surrogate, Sacred Intimate and now, teacher and author. You can learn more about Dr. Betty Martin at bettymartin.org and The Art of Giving and Receiving: The Wheel of Consent at wheelofconsentbook.com. You can keep up with Dr. Betty on Instagram where she’s @drbettymartin and Facebook where she’s @bettymartindc.
The Birth of The Wheel of Consent
“My sexuality belongs to me. And I can bring it out to play if, when, with whom, and how I choose.”
Dr. Betty started the presentation by giving us an overview of her personal and professional journey. She told us how The Wheel of Consent and The Three Minute Game were born of her own experience with sexual self-empowerment. It was her own “a-ha” moments of sexuality and personal empowerment that inspired her to make a career shift and open a studio where she could help other people.
Many of us who are sexuality professionals can relate to her journey. As she worked with clients, she began practicing the Three Minute Game and, based on what she observed in these experiences, she developed the Wheel of Consent.
The Three Minute Game
In the Three Minute Game, two people take turns asking each other these two questions: “What do you want me to do to you for three minutes?” and “What do you want to do to me for three minutes?”
Dr. Betty explained how so much shows up when you ask these questions. You can discover where someone is lost, where they are stuck, what is their comfort level, what is their skill level, and so much more.
When you are playing the Three Minute Game, in two of those rounds, your partner is the one who is doing the doing, and you are the one who is being done to. In the other two rounds, you are the one who is doing the doing, and your partner is the one who is being done to.
In two of those rounds, the gift of the action is for you because it’s what you want, and in two of those rounds it’s for your partner because it’s what they want. This is the basis of the four quadrants of receiving and giving that make up the Wheel of Consent.
The Four Quadrants of Receiving and Giving Within The Wheel of Consent
At first glance, The Wheel of Consent can be enlightening or mystifying. In the webinar, Dr. Betty presented a visual of the Wheel of Consent and described the four quadrants of receiving and giving contained within the framework. Following are basic definitions of the four quadrants and what is happening in each quadrant.
- Accept: the person who is accepting is being done to and getting the gift of the other person’s action. For example, “Will you give me a blowjob?”
- Serve: the person who is serving is doing the doing and providing a gift to the other person. For example, “Yes, I will give you a blowjob for 20 minutes.”
- Take: the person who is taking is doing the doing and getting the gift of their action. For example, “May I play with your hair?”
- Allow: the person who is allowing is being done to and providing a gift to the other person. For example, “Yes, you may play with my hair for 10 minutes.”
Dr. Betty added that each one of the quadrants may be fun and/or challenging in a different way. Each quadrant offers insights. And, of course, each one of them has pleasure potential.
Using the Wheel of Consent with Sex Coaching Clients
As sex coaches, we can introduce The Wheel of Consent and The Three Minute Game to all types of clients dealing with all kinds of sexual concerns. We can teach sex coaching clients how to use the Three Minute Game with their partners. And, for those of us who include touch in our practice, we can even play it with our clients during sex coaching sessions.
Dr. Betty explained that in her experience, the Three Minute Game is helpful for resolving many sexual concerns. She said you do not even have to pinpoint a couple’s issue before introducing the exercise to a couple client. If the couple plays the Three Minute Game, the issues will become obvious. In this way, it can be a helpful assessment tool.
The Wheel of Consent and the Three Minute Game simplify the complexities of sexuality and touch. Within the container of the practice, we have the opportunity to take turns being completely selfish or completely generous so we can develop a discernment for what we want and where our boundaries lie. Through the practice, clarity emerges and breakthroughs are possible.
If you are interested in learning more about this revolutionary framework and Dr. Betty’s professional practice, you must check out this webinar and Dr. Betty’s long-awaited book, The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent.
Dr. Betty wrapped up her presentation with these reminders. “First and foremost, The Three Minute Game is a practice. As a practice, it’s something you can come back to again and again, and you keep learning something new. You do it for the experience of doing it.”
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