Part of what makes you effective as a sex coach is your ability to be a clean and clear container for your clients. However, as we all know, life has a way of leaving plenty of streaks and smudges on our containers.
When you begin a session, it’s important that you approach with a receptive mind and a readiness to listen actively. It’s hard to do that when you have a lot of background noise of your own that distracts you from the present moment. Clients can sense this and it erodes the trust in your relationship. What do you do when you sense your container might not be as clean and clear as you’d like?
The MEBES© Wheel is a fantastic lens through which to view this concern. The work you do has the potential to drain you on multiple levels: mentally, emotionally, physically, energetically, and spiritually. To understand how to start replenishing yourself and clearing your container, it’s important to understand where the issue is coming from.
There’s a lot to discuss here, so this will be a two-part article. Today, in Part One, you’ll learn about what a “cloudy” container can look like in the areas of Mind and Emotion, as well as solutions for tackling them.
When your mental container is clean and clear, your mind is open, receptive, and curious. You may describe this as feeling “bright,” “clear-headed,” or “sharp.” You can enter a sex coaching session without being consumed by thoughts about other concerns in your life.
When your mental container is cloudy, your mind feels foggy, heavy, and slow. You may feel a resistance to accepting ideas from outside of yourself because your mind already feels full and closed-off. You might describe this feeling as “murky,” “brain fog,” or “dull.” When you enter a sex coaching session like this, you barely hear your client, because you’re too tuned in to your inner dialogue.
How do you clear your mind?
As a sex coach—and as a human, in general—it’s important to have a daily practice that helps you clear your mind. Journaling is a fantastic way to do this.
Keeping a journal allows you to literally get thoughts out of your head and onto paper. It can be intimidating, especially when you doubt your ability to express what you’re thinking. If you feel resistant to the idea of journaling, commit to starting as small as you can. If journaling for the recommended 20-30 minutes a day sounds like too much, commit to 10 minutes, or even five.
Going through your thoughts won’t always feel great right away; in fact, sometimes, it’ll feel pretty terrible. However, the more you avoid confronting what’s in your mind, the more control it will have over your mentality.
There are plenty of good tips on journaling out there if you don’t know where to start. Consider different styles like bullet journaling, free-writing, or responding to prompts. Allow yourself to enjoy the sensual experience of journaling: the feeling of smooth paper under your hand or the keys resting beneath your fingertips, the fluidity of the ink flowing onto the page, the rhythmic, staccato sounds of your keyboard. Finding pleasure in the experience will help you look forward to it and keep it as a regular practice.
Having a clean and clear emotional container means that your feelings are working for you, rather than against you. In this state, you’re able to feel your emotions without resisting them or assigning meaning to them. You’re able to regard yourself with patience and compassion regardless of your emotional state.
When your emotional container is cloudy, your feelings are keeping you stuck in a rut. You may judge unpleasant or unwanted feelings as “bad” or “inconvenient.” Rather than allow your emotions to flow freely through you, you resist them and create more tension and conflict within yourself.
How do you clear your emotions?
You’re in luck: coaches have the essential skill necessary to keep a clean emotional container!
You know how vital it is to hold loving, nonjudgmental space for your clients during a sex coaching session. Do you also realize how vital it is for you to do the same for yourself?
Holding space for yourself means allowing yourself to feel freely, without judgment, criticism, or blame. Meditation is an excellent way to practice this.
If you feel a sense of dread at the idea of meditating because it hasn’t worked out for you in the past, not to worry! It’s worth trying again, perhaps with a different approach in mind. For many daily meditators, the key to getting the most out of this ancient practice is having a place to focus, or an anchor.
In Vedic meditation, the anchor is the mantra. You quietly think about a phrase in your mind, ideally one that doesn’t have meaning to you (“Om” is the most popular). In Vipassana meditation, the anchor is breath. You can play around with different anchors that suit your style of thinking.
When your mind wanders—when, not if!—simply let go of those thoughts and return to the mantra, to the sensation of your breathing, or to the anchor that works best for you.
Contrary to what most people think, the power of meditation doesn’t come from your ability to focus on your anchor: it comes from how you return to the anchor.
When you catch yourself thinking about something else, the key is to hold off judging yourself. Punishing yourself for thinking is just another thought, after all. When you realize you’ve wandered off-track, simply smile, forgive yourself, and return to your anchor. Practicing this with yourself allows you to experience feelings more freely and playfully, and it also allows you to do the same with your clients.
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