Defining and Understanding Energy

How do you think of and define energy? For many of us, it’s is easy to feel and recognize, yet tricky to define and make tangible. However, understanding it is critical for sex coaches. It’s important that you understand your client’s energy, to better assess their needs and opportunities for growth. It’s equally important for you to understand your own and how it may affect your work.

Sex Coach U founder and Mother of Sex Coaching, Dr. Patti Britton, recognizes it as a vital component in sex coaching. As the central element of the MEBES® Wheel, energy is an area where your clients may face their greatest sexuality challenges—and it can also be the area that allows for their greatest transformation.

MEBES® Wheel

What is energy?  

Energy represents the hub of the MEBES® Wheel, the sex coaching model developed by Dr. Patti. Since the spokes of the wheel radiate out from that center, you can think of it as the life force that powers them. 

Since it can be challenging to put this concept into concrete terms, it can be helpful to explain it to your clients (or to yourself) through examples. 

If you imagine sexuality as a garden, energy is the soil from which plants grow. The quality of that soil is often the deciding factor in the health of everything that grows from it. Similarly, the quality of your energy—as well as your client’s—plays a crucial role in your work as a sex coach.

What role does energy play in the client-coach relationship?

As a sex coach, it’s especially important for you to focus your understanding of energy in four areas:

• What kind is your client presenting? Being able to observe and assess your client’s energetic state is a key skill to develop as a coach. Do you notice a shift in their mood when a certain topic comes up? What’s the difference in their energy level at the beginning of a session versus at the end? Which topics seem to drain your client, and which seem to invigorate them? If you pay attention to energy-related details like this, you gain the ability to make the most of your sessions and provide your clients with more room to grow.

• What kind are you presenting? This is an element that sex coaches often forget to consider—it’s easy to do when we’re so focused on observing our clients! However, as the guide and the expert in the situation, the energy you exude sets the tone for the interaction between your client and you. Pay close attention to how you show up energetically, because it’s directly related to your client’s success with you. Having an open energy channel allows the client to sense that and open up to you, perhaps exposing their most vulnerable self. 

• How does your client’s energy interact with your own? The dynamic you have with your client determines how much they’re able to grow with you. Do most of your clients seem reserved or uncomfortable around you, even after multiple sessions together? Are you struggling to attract clients in the first place? Do your sessions seem to go in circles, with little or no progress being made? If you answered “yes” to any or all of these questions, it might be time to examine your energy.
• Is there sexual or erotic energy in the session? Of course, it’s natural that talking openly about sex might prompt sexual feelings in your client. Pay close attention to this advice from Dr. Patti: 

“A critical aspect of energetics in doing this complex work is knowing how to manage and handle the flow—or stuckness—of erotic and/or sexual energy that may show up in the client-coach relationship (transference, as psychology defines it). 

Not feeling freaked out by its presence, but rather knowing how to address it and “use” that energy in a session for the client’s greater good may be a turning point in where the evolution of your sex coaching goes with that particular client. Acknowledging energy in the room (virtual or in person) and knowing what to do with the energy you sense or feel is a key aspect of being a great sex coach in moving the client forward toward their stated goals. 

Leaning into your experience of energy is also a good way to “test” your own energy radar systems, by asking if your reading of the energy is accurate or not, in a careful, delicate and poised way that enhances the journey for your client. A major skill set for you is to master and manage energy as sex coach.”

Photo by Marcelo Matarazzo on Unsplash

What affects the quality of energy?

Energy is present in everything we do, so it’s natural that there are infinite factors which could affect yours. Here are some big ones for sex coaches.

Your intentions have a profound effect on your energy. What goals, values, and desires are you carrying with you when you present yourself as a sex coach? What motivates you to do this work? Be honest with yourself as you answer these questions. Remember the Golden Rule of sex coaching: it’s all about your client. If your intentions are not aligned with the ultimate goal of helping your client, it will show in your energetic presence.

The relationship you have with yourself is another major factor in your energetic state. It’s important for sex coaches to model the mindset and behavior we ask of our clients. 

Do you regard yourself with acceptance, respect, and love? Do you make it a point to take excellent care of yourself? Are you comfortable showing up with honesty and vulnerability? If not, that affects your energy. 

Developing an honest, secure, and compassionate relationship with yourself is vital work for a sex coach. Insecure, self-critical energy is palpable, and it has the potential to weaken your client’s comfort with you.

Finally, the energy you take in affects what you release. What are you absorbing from the outside world? It’s like the old saying goes: “Garbage in, garbage out.” If you want to give off clean, beneficial energy, it’s important to consume that, as often as possible. 

Do you focus on news that inspires and enlightens you, or news that sends you into panic and depression? Do you eat foods that nourish and sustain your body, or foods that slow you down and make you sick? Do you seek out experiences that challenge you to think in new, exciting ways, or do you settle into a comfortable (yet unsatisfying) rut? 

Consider what you’re pouring into yourself; this helps you better understand what you create as a result.  

There’s a lot to say about energy: it’s a complex, dynamic topic. Considering its role in your life gives you valuable insight as a sex coach—and as a person, in general. As you observe energy from yourself, from your clients, and from others in your life, practice doing so with honesty and without judgment. The more you can do this, the more you can expand your helping, healing potential.

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