Sex in Your Stars: Virgo Edition—This is the ninth in a series of articles about sexual astrology. The first thing to understand about sexual astrology is, well—it’s complicated. A deeper analysis of an individual’s psyche, desire nature, kinks and attractions considers the houses of the natal chart, the placement of Venus and Mars and their relationship to the Sun and other planets, amongst other details.

But there is a LOT to dive into when we simply use Sun sign astrology—for which all you need to know is someone’s birthday. As Sex Coaches, astrological insight into a client’s energy and personality is invaluable. The Sun is the heart of our natal fingerprint and it shines its revealing and singular light on the rest of our horoscope. When you want to understand what drives someone’s erotic nature, you should understand the Sun first. That’s why Sun sign-based relationship astrology is the stuff of legend, going back to Linda Goodman’s Love Signs in the 1970s.

We can do without the antiquated gender stereotypes of that era, however. This is love and sex sign astrology for the true Age of Aquarius—where we are wholly inclusive, embracing the LGBTQI+ and non-binary spectrum. No matter how we identify, we were all born with the Sun in a particular sign, and so were the humans we love (or hope to love and/or touch).

Virgo: The Hardworking Healer

Born: August 21 – September 22


Symbol: The Virgin

Planetary Ruler: Mercury

Element: Earth

Modality: Mutable

Virgo rules the digestive system and the sympathetic nervous system.


What is Virgo energy like? It’s careful, measured, anxiety-prone, picky, whip-smart, over-complicated, uber-intellectual, and damn near perfect. Virgos will continue to shriek, “ORGANIZE, DON’T AGONIZE,” while I promise you—they are definitely agonizing even as they give you directions and tell you about their calendar system. Along with Geminis, the other sign ruled by Mercury, Virgos are the quintessential sapiosexuals of the zodiac. Turn on their mind, and you turn on their entire being.

This sign was born to fix you and everything around you. Virgo’s darkest secret is that they often do this in order to avoid fixing their own very personal mess(es). Deep inside, they can feel overwhelmed by chaos, and by obsessively wiping the crumbs off your shirt, they get to avoid doing that excruciating inner work. They are extremely sensitive, so facing the inner critic that’s plagued them since childhood is something they’ll avoid at all costs.

Virgos live to serve. If they are not of service in some way—in service to their community, to their job, or to their partner—they may feel like life is meaningless. This can push them to unhealthy levels of obsessive/compulsive perfectionism that end up serving no one at all. If your Virgo seems lost, give them a cause—it will make them feel infinitely better.  

Virgo’s reputation as the most organized sign of the zodiac is only partly correct. It’s true that they mostly live up to that simplified, pared-down, hyper-efficient archetype, and most of them believe cleanliness is godliness. There are Virgos who take this to an unhealthy extreme of off-the-charts hypochondria, fearing germs and showering several times a day.

But don’t be shocked when you find out there are exceptionally messy Virgos out there! For every five Virgos with a floor you can eat off of, you’ll find one or two who haven’t emptied their hampers in three weeks and have half-eaten bags of Hot Cheetos in their sofa cushions.

Their fear of inner chaos comes in part from their opposite sign and shadow—Pisces. This is the last sign of the zodiac, where the end is the beginning again, and all energy and matter flows together in the infinite sea. Messy Virgos and perfectionist Virgos both struggle with integrating their fear of chaos. 

Being a Virgo can feel like having ADD: a million ideas come at them all at once, and if they don’t write them down, organize their thoughts, and put all their deadlines into their calendar, it can feel utterly impossible to start on any given task. Healthy Virgos learn to love and live by list-making. Again, they may strike you as the most structured, controlled, efficient humans, but it requires a LOT of energy to be this perfect. Luckily, Mercury provides them with much of this to work with. Yet they can suddenly and unexpectedly crash after going hard like an Energizer Bunny for days, weeks, or months. Burnout is not uncommon for Virgos.

Virgo is one of those signs with dual rulership—they share Mercury with Gemini. The intellectual energy and frenetic drive are similar in each sign, but because Virgo is a mutable earth sign, they can find ways to channel their brainpower into a singular task and stick with it until it’s completed, unlike Gems, who tend to get bored quickly unless they’re constantly stimulated and challenged.

Virgos understand that the work, in its way, is its own reward. They love, love, LOVE to accomplish big and small tasks, chunking their time and crossing items off their lists like the bosses they are. No one gets as much pleasure from cleaning, doing errands, and planning than a Virgo. They get supreme satisfaction from focusing and finishing, which, you will soon learn, makes them incredibly good lovers.  

Virgo Relationship Energy

If you have your eye on a Virgo, you might consider conveying a patina of perfection, even if that simply means being extra put-together for a first date. If you’re interested in a cis-male Virgo, however, be wary of falling into a madonna/whore cycle with them, as they might project a traditional wifey vibe on you, but then have trouble sexualizing you later on. Depending on the situation and their relative immersion in toxic masculinity, they can do the opposite: projecting ribald sexuality on you, yet unable to see you as an equal partner or respect your mind. Virgos really need to work on any unhealthy society-fostered projections. This usually happens when they stop being afraid of being criticized themselves.  

Virgos will sometimes choose partners they think make the perfect fixer-upper. You might already be living your best life, but if the Virgo detects imperfections, they’ll want to smooth out those edges. They secretly love you for your flaws, but when they haven’t done their own inner work, they’ll make you into their priority pet project­—in part to avoid the challenges of being in therapy themselves. A healthy Virgo who has done the work (and continues to do it) won’t be attracted to whatever is broken in you—they’ll see you as an equal partner.

If a Virgo chooses you, take it as a compliment, as they are extremely picky! They go through a long list of reasons *not* to date you before they decide to give it a whirl. Virgos are the type to scroll through 1000s of dating profiles before swiping right on a single one. If that’s you, you’ve already passed a major test.

Virgos require mental stimulation and a sharp intellectual connection. This is the electric spark that keeps a long-term relationship with a Virgo alive and healthy. They are consummate cosmic detectives, always trying to figure things out, amazing at trivia, keepers of facts and figures you’ve probably never heard of. They will beat you at Jeopardy, but you have to love them for it. You may not have exactly the same kind of specialized knowledge that your Virgo has, but as long as you have some kind of specialized, impressive wisdom to share with them (and update them on through the months and years), you’ll keep them interested for the long haul.

One of the perks of being with a Virgo is first-rate service. Especially in the early part of the relationship, you might feel like you’ve lucked out and met a high-end concierge whose only purpose is not just to cater to your every whim, but to anticipate those whims in advance. Need your drink refreshed? A neck massage? A just-brewed cup of coffee before you’ve gotten out of bed? Your Virgo is ON it. 

Virgos, the zodiac’s consummate keepers of details, are excellent compartmentalizers, sometimes to the detriment of their partners. On one hand, they can keep focused on work and manage their day-to-day grind without letting anxiety or depression get in the way. But on the other, they can put you in a particular box and want to keep you there. With a fear of that roiling Piscean sea of shadows opposite them, they might be afraid to mix you with their friends and family until they’re sure the presentation is perfect. They are eternally anxious about anything that feels out of place.

It’s important to respect your Virgo’s natural monasticism. This is a sign that not only wants, but in fact NEEDS to be alone on a regular basis. This is how they find calm, revivify, and reduce their anxiety. Mercury, Virgo’s ruling planet, is the Roman version of the Greek Hermes (this is the etymology of the word hermit). Don’t take it personally. Even better, offer that solitude to them and go off on your own, at least once a week, so your Virgo can recharge.  

The Virgo Desire Matrix

What does a Virgo want? Healing, sexual and otherwise. They are the alchemists and purifiers of the cosmos. They are driven to identify all your separate pieces and bits, and then meld them all together as a satisfied whole.  This is what they want you to do for them, as well, even though it scares them.

The Virgo desire dynamic flips back and forth between servant and savior—they play both roles quite easily, but their need to please is legendary. Virgos get immense gratification out of pleasuring you in all the ways. They will diligently study your responses and even research the best ways to bring your body pleasure. Virgos are the sort to have sex manuals and handbooks in their library, even if they keep them behind the Booker Award-winning novels that dinner guests might admire. They may ask questions in and out of bed and meticulously watch your body’s responses; trust that they are taking mental notes.

The more they study and perfect this art, the better the sex becomes—and yes, it gets better over time. Not only that, this sign is immensely invested in your pleasure as a way to heighten their own. Every moan you make gets them closer to their own ecstasy. They want to know they’re doing a good job! Yes, you should reciprocate, but Virgo is one sign that wholly gets off on getting you off.

Getting Down with a Virgo

Dating a Virgo and sexual compatibility

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Before having sex with a Virgo, know that this sign does indeed sweat the technique. They are perfectionists in life and in bed, and they won’t risk not knowing what they’re doing. This may make things feel less spontaneous, but the attention to the details of your body will likely make it all worth it. 

One thing to know about this clean-freak­—they are perhaps one of the dirtiest signs of the entire zodiac. Forget Scorpio’s reputation as bawdy sex monsters—the modest, guarded Virgo, when they show their whole self, may really, really surprise you. That’s because they’ve spent so much of their “regular” life being the perfect, buttoned-up, hardworking specimen of virtue and industriousness. Once unleashed and made to feel safe and comfortable, you might just find they’re the kinkiest lover you’ve ever had.

Virgo rules the sympathetic nervous system and the digestive system, so make sure yours is calm and hasn’t eaten overly-spicy food. Not joking! On sex nights, the blander the meal, the better for your Virgo’s overall satisfaction and yours, especially if you’re new lovers. Their sensitive stomachs can get in the way of totally letting loose. If they feel a gurgle, their libido could shut down.

Consider providing a nice glass of wine, some calming CBD oil, a joint, some kombucha, or a soothing back rub (with lavender balm) to still your Virgo’s nerves, whether it’s the first time you’re together or the 150th. Don’t forget that although they’re ruled by frenetic Mercury, Virgo is an earth sign. Grounding activities before and after sex with a Virgo are ideal to keep them calm and connected to you, instead of stuck in their heads.

Once you break through their persnickety exterior and get them feeling safe, secure, and unafraid of criticism, that’s when their kinky core shows up and things start to get wild. Virgos are really into master/servant scenarios and particularly get into roleplay that involves bosses and secretaries. They are switches in BDSM, but usually like to start in the submissive role. Some male Virgos are turned on by cuckolding, but might be embarrassed to admit it unless you probe. As good as they are at judging others, don’t ever forget that their fear of being judged is at the root of it—so be extra sensitive to this in sexual situations.

Playing with breath and anything that stimulates their vagus nerve is a big plus, too. Gentle neck massage, paying close attention to the area behind and under the ear, below the chin and under the jawline, can help to calm them and simultaneously turn them on.

Most Compatible Signs 

Sister earth signs Taurus and Capricorn are fine matches for the virtuous Virgo. Ambitious Capricorns, especially, share the Virgo’s worldview—both signs believe that work is the only cure. This pairing can create one of those uber-successful couples that have everything but continue to long for more. Taurus, earthy and grounded but on the lazier side, can teach a Virgo to slow down and savor moments they might rush through just to get to the finish line.

Virgos also get on nicely with watery Scorpios and Cancers. The endlessly deep well of emotions possessed by each of these signs can push Virgo to open up, do less compartmentalizing, and experience all those feels the way they were meant to be felt. There is immense tenderness and caring with the Cancer, so much so that each partner may preface every encounter with, “But babe, what do you want?” a thousand times before anything actually happens. With Scorpio, Virgo gets to be their unabashedly dirty self, unleashed to explore their subversive side without any shame.

Sagittarius and Gemini square Virgo, making these pairings a bit more complicated. Sagittarius, a fire sign, can feel brash and over the top, just generally too overstimulating for the sensitive sensibility of the Virgo and their delicate nervous system. At the same time, when these two signs get together, the intellectual banter never ends. They can talk to each other FOREVER without getting bored. Geminis are Virgo’s Mercury sibling—they share the Trickster as their ruling planet. In this way, they fundamentally understand each other, but Gemini can feel a bit gossipy to Virgo, and Virgo can feel like a bit of a snob to Gemini. In bed, things are fun, fast, and lively, but the connection may not go deep unless both signs can get out of their overly active minds for a second and connect to both the heart and the gut.

Ah Pisces… this is Virgo’s opposite sign, possessing the qualities they need to integrate to feel whole. Virgo’s addiction to order and perfection is in stark contrast to Pisces’ hot mess. This is a sexual and spiritual predicament for both signs, but this can still be a gorgeous pairing, especially if Virgo can get over their constant criticism and let their Pisces go with the messiness of their flow. Pisces partners can bring a major breakthrough for their shadow lovers, while a Virgo can show their sweet Fish how to think clearly and act accordingly.   

The Virgo Bottom Line

Keeping a Virgo busy is usually an easy way to keep them happy. But one must always be cognizant of the way this sign can use busywork to avoid the actual work of investigating their own traumas. Notice when they’re using the daily grind to procrastinate challenging conversations or self-analysis. Virgos don’t mind being in therapy, but they’re the kind of client that tries to outwit their therapist for years, avoiding that inevitable dive into the chaotic darkness that is the only true path to healing their whole self.  

Virgos, born detectives, will research, tinker, pull wires, cut strings, and figure things out in ways that astonish you. Most of them can organize a space like they’re directly channeling Marie Kondo. They’ll come into your life and clean up the dust bunnies in your corners, but at some point, you have to look them in the eye and ask: “Are you doing this to avoid something, my love?”  

If you can deal with a bit of neuroticism (or if you’re neurotic yourself) being with a Virgo can lead to some powerful spiritual awakenings, whether you’re together for a night or a lifetime. If you’re looking for a healing lover who will do everything they can to take care of you, step right up and put this sign on your to-do list.

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